Tuesday, February 6, 2007

This is proof that I think too much.

As much as I dislike the fact that I am almost constantly complaining about life-drama on this account, I feel it's necessary or I may, in fact, spontaneously combust in a fiery rage >( I had a whole happy day of panic attack fun. First of all, my mp3 player dies on me. Not the battery, ohhh no. The whole thing just stops working all together. Full battery and everything. I even changed it 3 times with 3 brand new batteries. It just starts up then freezes on the start up screen and won't even turn off until you remove the battery. I was extremely upset. It sounds pathetic, I realize. But it's part of my routine (OCD thing I suppose), and there are certain times during the day when I listen to music, and if I don't have something blocking out the other noise (or even quiet) of my classes, I absolutely freak out. Secondly, Art II (period one) was a bitch. I am truly considering the theory that my teacher is out for my blood. I am not making up excuses for myself, I apologize if it seems that way, I'm just stating facts, so if you think I'm out to gain sympathy you're sadly mistaken. I'd rather someone slap me into some sort of sense than pity me. But anyway, back on track. Little things like my mp3 player dying, my Art teacher forcing me to re-sketch an entire model, especially over top of the OLD sketch, resulting in crooked lines, eraser marks, little spots of graphite against the paper from multiple hand-prints, etc. --- I will eventually freak the fuck out. It's very difficult to explain, and it sounds absolutely ludicrous, I know...but I think it's something you have to experience to understand. This anxiety is so horrible sometimes it just makes me scream and start crying for almost no reason entirely. It's pathetic, really, and I don't enjoy it one bit. I won't go into detail about the whole thing because I'd rather not have to explain every last bit of it (though it would probably make more sense to the reader if I did so), but it started with my teacher attempting to make me resketch something, me getting so flustered I began to panic and start my anxious "rituals" (tapping things, holding my breath, blinking a lot, etc.) by the end of first period I was nearly at the point of hyperventilation and was having such violent tremors that a friend from across the room got so worried she came over to me and held me to her to stop me from shaking so hard. My teacher either didn't notice or didn't acknowledge it, which I'm glad for because the last thing I want is for her to send me to a school counselor or to start a big "oh no what's wrong" scene in the middle of a class (or at all for that matter). Then all through second period I was still going through the stupid little rituals, breathing unevenly, I got headaches, I was sick to my stomach. All this over music and a few uneven lines and unfinished sketches. What the fuck is wrong with me, that's all I want to know. I am so utterly sick of having to hold my breath and touch things a certain amount of times and all the other stupid shit I can't help but do that I'm seriously about ready to just lay in bed so I won't have to experience the anxiety. I am not a quitter. I don't want to give in to it and let it control my life, but at this point it seems to be the only thing I can do. I dont know if i'm Obsessive Compulsive like my last shrink said (almost everyone thinks I am but sometimes I wonder if it's just my subconscious or something like that). I don't know if I'm a hypochondriac. I don't know if I'm just absolutely insane, but honestly it's just making me lose my head. My mom is convinced it's a control issue thing, and is now in the other room telling my dad how much I need to see a psychologist. I admit it will probably help, but I really really loathe having to tell a person everything about my life. I feel like an attention whore when i do it, like I'm asking for pity. And I hate people like that (I'm a bitch, what more do you want). I mean yeah, I'll write it down in here, but there are still things I keep to myself and it just feels different here because I'm not confiding in one person, I'm choosing to record thoughts and events and you are choosing to read them. Otherwise I'd feel like I was shoving things down a persons throat and that through their smile and clipboard they're secretly thinking "wow you're annoying, you stupid nutjob". am I just not trusting enough? Too paranoid? I honestly don't know but it's making my head spin. All i want right now is my music and someone to get my mind off of this crap. Honestly.

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