Saturday, June 2, 2007

Currently Watching: Romeo Must Die (I love Jet Li XD)

Taken from a blog I wrote on Myspace a few days ago.... I need to end this. Maiming myself and who I thought I wanted to be. My body, both phyiscal and otherwise, can't take this weight. I don't have the strength to continue desecrating myself, despite the many hands keeping me just above the surface. So many have helped or are helping me keep afloat. Stopping me from drowning amidst my horrible decisions and ridiculously unjust and hypocritical reasoning. I've welcomed things that could classify me as "unstable". Alcohol, nicotine, pain, regret, melodrama. And yet the odd thing is... I appreciate everything. I treasure the things I've learned in my short time on Earth. The positive, the negative, everything I've experienced has intertwined into the tangled mess I call my home, my mind, my life. Sometimes I find that all I need is a little serenity. A moment to embrace the tranquility that daily life seems to make me forget exists. Capturing a flicker of light embedded deeply into myself. I don't need to continue the way I once lived, bound tightly against myself in a feeble attempt at redemption. Kept sheltered for want of something more. I wanted invigoration. I wanted inspiration. I'd wanted nothing more than the excitement I'd been denying myself. My faith doesn't lie in religion, I don't need the idea of a higher being to instill fear or bliss, or whatever it is people so aimlessly search for, into my heart. I don't need to force feed myself convictions I know in my heart won't bring me any salvation. All I will discover is a new hatred for my ignorance, a pained resentment brought forth because I can't bring myself to truly believe in anything on that level. Because I can't find that euphoric bliss that ignorance is said to blanket one in. I don't like blocking my better senses. As I look back on myself...there is only one conclusion that all my reasoning can deduct down to. Nothing is set in stone. The weak are illustrious, the courageous are apprehensive. Dusk masks us in false hope of a brighter tomorrow, while daybreak brings us to think "just one more uneventful day..." Nothing makes you miserable. Misery doesn't exist. Grief, tribulation, heartache. It's pure myth. We can omit the negative, if we so choose to. Nothing is unreachable. But what is life without a few sinkholes? If we don't learn to descend into the abhorrent, we'll never learn to surface. To keep our heads above the water. Perfection is a falsehood. Flaws are what makes the dim seem prestigous. I'm still learning how to accept the cracks, the rips in everything I've held dear to me. But in the end it will fit together in some sort of painstaking disarray. That is my fairy tale ending. Take time to think about life Appreciate what you can bring yourself to. Do it for your own sake. xXTOCXx

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