Monday, June 11, 2007

Current Song :: I'm Back -- Eminem

It's nearly 3 am....and I can't sleep. I'm listening to my Eminem playlist. Sitting here in sweatpants and a Tequila tank top. Just thinking... I wonder if I'm a psycho. I don't mean that in a trying-to-be-funny, sarcastic kind of way... But when I get attention like this, when someone actually admits to feeling something for me -- me, of all people -- I'm not sure how to react. I either panic and try to brush it off, try to convince myself that I just misunderstood their intentions. Or I soak it in, let it effect me, and eventually it's all I can find myself thinking about. That's how people act...people that others would call crazy. Isn't it? Being a pathetic, inexperienced, insecure teenager. Of course my hormones are going to override my brain function. I guess, what I mean in lieu of all of this rambling... is that I'm terrified that I'll scare him off. That I'll become one of those freakishly obsessed, scary ex-girlfriends. The kind that can't take a hint. Or maybe I'm just paranoid. Or maybe I have a thick layer of vanity underlying the sarcastic, unsure shell that I shield myself with. Maybe by even taking the time to consider all this I'm just proving how ridiculously lame and insane I am. Taking time to think that this is a bigger deal than it really is. To think that anything that stems from this will be a big deal. I mean it's probably just going to pass soon, right? Eventually he'll find someone he likes more. And I know that. I know that I have to try to be real. I have to try not to let my teenager naivetes get in the way, not to let my heart get broken for some stupid reason like this. It's not a big deal. I want to pound that into my brain. But at the same time I keep thinking... This will never happen again...Do you think this will honestly be a reoccuring event?....That someone that you care for will actually care for you in return?...Don't try to fool yourself...Make yourself believe the truth...This will be over before you have the chance to think about it any more... And I feel so naïve and ridiculous. And just plain stupid. It's like I'm one of those people on television that are mocked by every person sitting on their couches. I'm the person on the lame MTV show. I'm the whimp that blows everything out of proportion. I don't want to be the that person. I want to be the one who can see what is real. And not create ludicrous scenarios that would try to make me think otherwise. I needed a nice rant ): It's making it difficult for me to sleep. A boy of all things. This doesn't happen to me a lot... I mean, yeah, I get crushes occasionally. And they'll be strong for a short while. I don't know, if I speak any further on the subject I just feel like I'll be proving my foolishness even further. So I'm going to sleep. Probably on the couch tonight. I will never get the hang of this relationship stuff. xXTOCXx P.S. But on a positive note...heh...I showed my mom a picture of him...she said he was cute, and then promptly told me I should go look for a cute Asian boyfriend. Uh...yeah. Don't ask me. I told her what he said to me last night, and she smiled. She said he was cute. Good-looking. I even told her that he's 3 years older than me. But evidently my mother has no issue with me dating a 19-year-old. That shocked me more than anything. Hm...I don't know. I just really want this to work...but it seems like every chance I get to have something like is-- a big wall, an obstacle that I can't break down is stopping me. Time. Distance. Things frail enough to be man-made are holding me back from the things I want the most. The oppurtunities I've been waiting my whole life to have. And it hurts.

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