Tuesday, June 12, 2007

Current Song :: Rank-N-File -- Anti Flag

I love this video real update later. ::REAL UPDATE ENSUING:: Okay...so it's 2:31 am. If I refer to "today" it means...the 11th. Okay? I woke up extremely late...around 3 pm. That gave me 11 hours of sleep, when I usually only need about 9...so I don't know why I didn't wake up around 1. So anyways, I got on the computer. Because both of my parents now work days and aren't home, so I have time to fuck around on the internet more often. I got onto MSN and my friend in Germany, Dustin, was online. I hadn't talked to him in a while, so we had a chat :) Then Cala...this guy I know in Canada, I've known him for about a year...he IMed me. I talked to him for a little while, but then...(excuse my excessive amount of dot-dot-dots) I'll just post what I wrote in my LJ. Because I'm not as upset anymore, so I can't really explain it as well as I could earlier. Italics = livejournal post Non-Italics = not livejournal post (lol) Wow. Aren't I a hypocritical little whore. I know what I think is true, I know that I'm not an extremely beautiful person (to say the least, I'm decent and only when I have makeup on). And I know I'm not as thin as I'd like to be. This isn't as important to some people as others. But I'm definitely in that "others" category. And yet....the one time someone calls me fat, I get upset. I start to get naseous. I end up lying to them. Telling them I have to go do something, and that I can't talk anymore. When I think I just like people lying to me. I always tell people I prefer honesty, and I do. I envy people who can be as honest as they are...I tell my friends to be honest with me, even if it means being brutal. If I ask them if something makes me look fat, I want them to tell me the truth. Maybe it's because this time I didn't ask. I wasn't prepared for that sort of thing. At least when I ask a question, I mentally prepare myself for both responses. ...it's stupid. I don't know why this sort of thing sent me into tears. We were talking about something innocent. He found this picture of two girls with giant balls of Cotton Candy. I said something along the lines of "I couldn't eat that, too much sugar. And my metabolism is nothing like anorexic VS models XD" he says "Well it's not like you're skinny." And it stung so deeply I just sat there in front of my PC. Staring at the screen. I felt my stomach knot up. And it didn't help that I was only wearing a sports bra and shorts. I was able to look down and immediately felt like I was going to vomit just from looking at myself. People who are very important in my life, people I care about, tell me that I'm beautiful. One person in particular...one who has developed feelings for me and vis versa...has even told me I'm a beautiful person. They tell me I'm pretty. Tell me I'm thin. Tell me I'm fine the way I am. And no matter how much I try or how hard I want myself to -- I can't make my brain believe them. But someone I just talk to every once in a while, someone I don't even like that much, tells me I'm fat -- and I take it so seriously that it makes my eyes well up. Why the hell can't I practice what I preach. It'd be so nice, just once. I was, needless to say...very upset. But I talked to Rachael, we arranged a day to get together with Megan and maybe Mitch and have some drinks... Then I called Megan. When I was talking to her I ended up crying. I was trying my best to stop my voice from cracking, but I know it was painfully obvious to her that I was sobbing on the other end of the phone. So apparently our cell phones were turned off this morning. My mom had to pay $300 to get them turned back on because we didn't pay our bill. The bill was $400, but she got away with $300 just to get them turned on. It's not a matter of wanting a cell phone. We need our cell phones, because our home phone has been turned off for a long time since we couldn't pay the bill for that either. This new job my dad had to get is ruining what we moved down here for. We could have stayed in Kentucky. But his stupid old job that lured him down here in the first place was paying him so much more money. We were able to buy new cars, we had extra money to do more things. And then they fucked him over. So we're stuck with him getting paid less than half of what he used to make. My mom hates her job and never comes home without complaints about it. I can't take this anymore, I am so sick of it. I haven't cried about anything in weeks, and I thought I was starting to get over a lot of this little bullshit. Today's the first day in a long time that I've just broken down. I tried to put away the dishes, clean the counters, do anything to keep me occupied. But eventually my legs gave out on me and I just layed on the kitchen floor and cried into the tile. Sure, the breaking point was what I covered in the first cut up there.... but it was only that. The breaking point. Everything before that just welled up in the pit of my stomach, and I ignored it until now. I was scared my neighbors would hear me, but then I realized that I still had music blaring from my speakers; so even if the balcony door was open -- no one would have heard me. Everything feels 10 times heavier today. I don't know why the hell I was so upset today...everything just went downhill. I wanted to just drink until I vomited, I felt nauseous for hours and just laid on the floor and cried. My cats would come by occasionally and sniff me, or rub their heads on my foot. I felt bad that I couldn't give myself the energy to even pet them. I've been so overwhelmed by things in the past few days, maybe the past couple of weeks. And not even everything has been bad! Some of the things that happened actually made me very happy...but somehow I converted that into make-me-even-more-upset material tonight. Meh. I need another long conversation with someone... Hannah.... Timmy, maybe. He's very good at making me feel worth something, even if he doesn't mean to. Haha I mentioned on Myspace what had happened, nothing in specific because, well I'm not one to broadcast to strangers what my life is like (save for this, but I know that really only a couple of people read this.). What happened, and this was really unexpected, was that about 6 people messages/Imed me. They all basically said "What bitch do I have to choke?" "Who the hell said that to you??" I was kind of in shock, especially since people I don't even talk to that often seemed to care about it. But the person who made me feel the best was Georgette... A friend I made in 6th grade. Talked to on and off for about 2 years when I moved to Kentucky. And then didn't even talk to again for a good 2 years until a couple of months ago...and she's become one of my best friends again. She sent me this, and I couldn't help but start laughing. He's shallow and has a penis permanently attached to the front of his face, which is why he cant tell how pretty you actually are because, even tho it is tragically small, he cannot see over it. Vain ass people like that PISS ME OFF. D:< My bf offers to help hurt him as well btw :D I get why it upset you, no one takes that kind of remark very easily. It was rude, uncalled for, and completely untrue. Whats important is that he's a douche, youre not fat, and you probably shouldnt talk to said mentioned douche anymore [unless you really want to], except to call him a douche. Which he is. Asses like that arent worth anyones time anyway It was hilarious, I about died. I felt a lot better...not because people kept saying "Don't listen to that bullshit, you're beautiful." I mean, yes, that certainly made me feel better...but it wasn't the fact that they were telling me I was pretty or anything. It was that they seemed to actually care enough to want to make sure I felt okay. That means a lot to me. And I guess...I'm going to go to sleep now. Because it's nearly 3 am. I'll wait until my Anti Flag playlist stops and then I'll go crash on the couch again xXTOCXx

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