Wednesday, June 13, 2007

Late night thinking once again.

I've been in my Jdrama mode again. I haven't watched Water Boys II since last summer...and I need to finish it. I started up Stand Up! again last night, but I didn't finish because episodes 6 and 7 were translated HORRIBLEY and started to give me a headache, so I'm going to finish them today. I started watching Nobuta wo Produce, though. I've wanted to for quite a while :) I feel so bad for this new girl, she's so pretty and sweet D: *dork* And no one deserves to be treated that badly...I hate people like that. Fucking bitches...high school girls are so cruel. It seriously made me cry the way they treated her...I won't give away any spoilers or anything, but my god. If I ever see anyone treated like that...fuck. Someone is going to get the shit beat out of them. What kind of evil personality trait does it take to be so....MEAN??? Anyway....I went to the therapist yesterday. I don't need to go to him anymore, I told my mom I hated it and she said I didn't have to, so she told him that since my trip to the hospital I didn't want to be on Zoloft anymore. He agreed and took me off of them. So...that also means I don't have to worry about drinking anymore. I notice I mention alcohol a lot lately, and I wonder if that means...I dunno, I'm just kind of thinking... My family members have reputations for becoming Alcoholics. I don't want that to happen to me... I really wish I had a roof I could sit on at night. I miss my old house. The window in my room opened up right onto the roof...I used to go there at night to read or just sit and watch. There wasn't a lot to see...mostly just the stars, the neighbors driving by, a cat running across the yard. But it was very nice. Very calming. I can't seem to find that here. I'd like to sneak out at night and just go sit at the little park down the road...it's in our apartment complex. It's enclosed by trees and a big fence...and there is a bit of forestry behind that. But I don't want to go alone. Being alone when you're that calm...it's just something that makes you think too much. It makes you question a lot of things. I want someon to be with me, just to talk to. Or just sit there in total silence, and not be bored by it. You know, sometimes I wonder if I'm so good at observing people, predicting what they'll do or how they'll react -- not because I've experienced enough to know -- but because I haven't experienced a lot. My ideas haven't been tainted by anything yet. I haven't been hurt enough by people to let it affect the way I think about them. I've been hurt, of course, by a lot of things. People, friends...but everyone is hurt at some point in their life. It's unavoidable. I just wish I could be immune to pain sometimes. But don't we all? I mean...things could always be worse. Hell, I could be in some forced labor camp somewhere in Africa...and you could still think of a way that things could get worse. So...inevitabley...that phrase is never something that can heal someone's scars. Ever. There will always be a rebuddle. And it is never arguable. The best advice anyone can give is to live through it...and no matter what happens, no matter how deeply you're wounded, try as hard as you can to let it change you for the better. Dwelling in self pity will only drag you down deeper. I'm not saying it's bad or foolish to want to complain every so often. Hell, I do it all the time. Ranting helps. Taking everything out in words is the only safe way to really begin to heal. I can't stand it when I see people making fun of somebody because they're expressing themselves...and I mean really saying what the think in their hearts. I can understand being annoyed by people. I'm annoyed by people who try too hard. People who harm themselves for self-gain, for attention. But at the same time I believe they have problems, too. Not the ones they are trying to portray, but if you want attention that badly. Badly enough to be an annoying wreck in public, everything can't possibley be all right "upstairs" if you know what I mean. I suppose in that sense...I am a hypocrite. I know it's wrong to immediately judge someone. I know it's wrong to assume they're just being annoying and fake. But sometimes it's just easier that way. And though the easy way isn't always the road you should take...it's just normal for you to want to get out of it as quickly as you can. It's easier to just pretend you don't have compassion, to try and force yourself to believe that by justifying your mistakes instead of admitting to them, you will be able to retreat and not have to deal with it. Nothing is right and nothing is wrong in this messed up world we were unwillingly born into. There is only what we were set to believe. A code of ethics adhered to by the mass majority of people because most are simply afraid that whatever invisible panel of judges is constantly watching their every movement may disapprove. "It's not the events of our lives that shape us, but our beliefs as to what those events mean. Beliefs have the power to create and the power to destroy." That's one of my favorite quotes. It says in only a few short words what I've believed for years. Choices. Choices are what determine your life. It's not the environment you grew up in, the state of your homelife, the way your parents treated you as a child. It's how you choose to let that affect you. It's how you choose to react to those situations. It's the way you let it change you, for the better or for the worse. So the next time you go complaining about something...take a moment to think. What can I do to change this? Do I really need to hurt someone else to fix myself? Yes...little pep talks make me feel better. I just wish I could take my own advice sometimes. xXTOCXx

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