Tuesday, June 19, 2007

So... I messed up the other night. Saturday night. I posted an entry on here, drunk as all hell. But I deleted it once I sobered up and actually read it. I've been worrying myself sick over what I may have done while I was drunk. I drank one of the most dangerous kinds of booze imaginable. Everclear. I didn't think it was as big of a deal as it evidently is. Even though I knew it was 95% alcohol, that's almost pure alcohol. I am an idiot for not connecting the dots and realizing how stupid I was being. It didn't take even 3 sips before I was drunk, and I had about 7 out of the bottle. And that was mixed with gatorade. It's potent shit. No one flat out told me "hey that shit is dangerous." before I drank it. But I suppose they figured I'd realize that when they told me how high it was in alcohol. Little did they realize I'm blatantly retarded when it comes to drug knowledge. That is...I was on the phone with Timmy, and he told me. But I was already half gone. It's no excuse, I should have listened to him anyway. He told me before I started drinking, he said that it was dangerous stuff and that I should be careful. I just thought he wasn't really paying attention, because he was also playing WoW while he was talking to me... I don't really know what happened the rest of the night. I remember pieces of it. Like...I didn't think I was drunk at all. I thought maybe I was just acting stupid becuase I wanted attention, but when I woke up the next morning I realized that wasn't true. I really was fucked up. I had been hallucinating and I had been a whole different kind of drunk than I usually am...I'm never an emotional drunk. Ever. But that night...I know I felt sad. I remember feeling sad. I don't remember if I cried but I probably did. This is getting so out of control. I felt so badly the rest of the night...and all of yesterday and the day before. I just wanted to curl up into a ball and cry by myself for a little while. I was so worried sick that I had done something to make...certain people mad at me. But I can't remember if I was hallucinating, I can't remember if I just imagined that I had said things, and I can't remember if I thought I didn't say things but actually did. The next morning, when I got online after Rachael left for work...I told my friend Shou what had happened, not really thinking about it as a big deal. But she freaked. She wasn't mad or anything... But she said she was scared for me, and that she didn't want me to end up like her. She didn't want me to do drugs and be dependant on them all the time. She's done a lot of drugs and drank a lot of alcohol...and she said even she doesn't touch Everclear. I just felt so stupid. I made a huge mistake. And I don't know if that motherfucking 95% alcohol just made me paranoid or if I have reason to be upset. Shou made me swear to her that I'd never touch that stuff again...and that I'd lay off drinking for another week. She said I'm getting out of control, and I know she's right. I have cravings, I have days where I just want to be drunk. I want to be so hammered out of my mind that I will have nothing to think about except giggling and trying to stand up without falling. I hope I can keep this promise to her. And I need to apologize to Timmy, I really feel so bad. I am so worried that I did or said something stupid. You have no idea how scared I am. My neck hurts. I remember making my headboard fall on top of me...but Mitch caught it before it could fully land on me. I just laughed like a total fucking idiot. A lamp fell on me, and I think my alarm clock and one of my paper filers. My back hurts. I slept on it funny because I kept passing out. I think Mitch and Rachael had sex on my floor. I don't want to think about that. I'm pretending it didn't happen. I've been upset and have no idea why, and it's starting to really get on my nerves. I have no reason to be such a fucking ditz and whine, do I? I'm being a stupid highschool girl. With stupid hormones. And stupid everything. And that just makes me want to go get a bottle of vodka and a bottle of cranberry juice, have Rachael pick me up, and go get drunk. WHY DO I ALWAYS WANT TO BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT HEALTHY. FUCKING SHIT. I want a massage. ugh *rubs temples* xXTOCXx ::EDIT:: *heart flutters* I talked to Timmy from about 2:30 am to 7:00 am last night. Everything is fine, I just overreact. He said that he likes me just the way I am and that I yawn cute XD Totally cheesey, I know. But he's sweet.

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