Friday, September 21, 2007

Meow. Okay so the weekend will be nice. I have darvocet. hydrocodone. a liter of vodka. possibley valium. My life will be goooooood and void of caring :D I'm having a lot of trouble concentrating in school lately. AP History is just killing me. The past few times I've gone to school drunk I was hoping it would last until third period so i could last through the class without being upset. But sadly -- that doesn't work. I've tried dealing with her, I've even tried making myself like her and understand how she works so I can at least get by with a C. I so far would bet I have an F. i just don't know what to do anymore. Today I have an anxiety attack (result of my OCD) because there was a spot on the board the teacher hadn't erased. Then as I noticed that I noticed other little things that weren't even or "right" about the room and I started breathing really heavy and tapping things and wringing my hands (they're OCD rituals I have, for those who don't know). I scratched my arms and neck all up to the point of bleeding because I was trying not to have a panic attack and the only way to stop myself from doing the vocal rituals (they involve screaming...) is to distract myself. My arms and neck and chest were all raw and purple/red and numb. There were little specks of blood all over me. That little incident's made me think maybe I need zoloft again, if my OCD is getting this bad again, and since my classes this year are a lot more stressful, I don't know if I can deal on my own. But since my stomach started bleeding last time, and since my mom thinks the medication was the reason that happened -- she won't let me go back on sertraline (zoloft). She doesn't know that the reason my stomach was bleeding was due to the zoloft only because I had been drinking while taking it. But I can't tell her that so I don't know what I'm going to do. I can't keep freaking out like this in public, I was trying so hard not to let anyone notice. My 'ritual' things are very noticable and sometimes violent (i hyperventilate, slap things, shake, twitch very violently, etc.), and I don't want to be thought of as "the crazy sociopath" or something, because then I'll be sent to a counselor or a mental hospital or something. I'm not crazy. I'm not. I've thought about saying 'fuck it', and just throwing away my prior goals of good grades for college scholarships. I don't know. xXTOCXx

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