Wednesday, January 18, 2006

pfft...

We have a "snow day" today. AS in we had a total of maybe 3/4 of an inch of snow outside this morning. Thus all hell will eventually be let loose and all will die a bloody horrible death. Because we got 3/4 of an inch of snow. -_-; Man the East US is weird... So I'm still quite torn and unnerved about the CURE thing. I am being quite selfish, I realize that. But I don't care at this point. I've thought about countless scenarios. Such as this infamous one that often comes to my mind "What would Shun, your idol, think of this?" And though it's far from the christian question "What would Jesus do?", it's a damn good close enough call for me. I can't stop anyone from liking Jrock, and I do not intend to at any rate...they should feel free to like what they like. It's the people who DONT really like it...that are griping me... but nevertheless, my music is who I am, and without it, or in this case with it, but having it be desecrated and not respected to the full capacity of what it deserves, makes my spine crawl... It makes my teeth itch and tingle and my organs feel as though they are slowly melting away and forming a puddle in a bottomless void somewhere inside of my body...think I am exaggerating? No. This is exactly how I felt the past two days thinking about this. My mind has been occupied with thei conflict in my body for two days and still going. It is a terrible feeling. I loathe it, and some people do not understand why this hit me so hard. I don't even think I do. But the fact is, it did. And nothing will change that. I liked things the way they were. Back before...when there WERE people who were different. I'm hardbent to find anyone like that right now...though there are a few who still have the greatest of my trust and respect...and that is an extremely difficult thing to gain from me... I admit it sounds like the stupid "You're a poser. I'm not. I hate you." argument so many people (like myself) are sick of hearing and even more sick of trying to eliminate from every-day conversation. But that is not what I am trying to say. I'm scared, in all honesty. That is the result of my thinking thus far. I am utterly TERRIFIED of what will happen if the thing I cherish most becomes -shudder-....what I'm afraid it will become...and that is one thing I cannot easily explain in spoken words, much less on a computer. So until I discover where I stand on this, and/or how to say it properly...without being as confusing as I know I am being right now...I'm afraid you will probably hear a lot of this inner-turmoil with myself in this blog a bit more often than necessary. Zhou will be absolutely pissed...maybe even worse than me...but somehow I doubt that badly...she is always so upbeat about things... I have not been able to tell her yet but then again I told Mijikai...she went into a whole different level of anger I have never seen in her before...and Mijikai will probably tell Zhou...probably already has.... I should talk to Zhou soon. I miss her... I miss Ame... I miss Mijikai.... -sigh- Interesting how a few amazingly great moments can morph disgustingly into those of self-loathing and confusion, ne? Take care all xXTOCXx

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