Wednesday, March 1, 2006

Icky icky day...

I've been like...obsessed with the word "icky" lately...haha... this g**damned kid in my class won't leave me alone. He is one of those idiots who says "nipples!" every other word and expects me to laugh. I only used him for his phone...(not like that, god now I feel sick even THINKING about it ::pukes::) b/c it has internet so i checked my Myspace during 3rd block and i got him to look up lesbian porn b/c he was all "hey give me something to look up on google" Me: .....-evil grin-.... hahaha...don't ask me how I know random porn sites, you don't need to know. I met a person on Myspace who LOVES D'ray. i mean LOVES them to DEATH lol. and she just went to her first D'ray live and she commented me and we both read each others live reports and are exchanging con stories and being total fangirl retards XDDDbut it makes me really happy to relive those memories...that was, no doubt, the best day of my life. The only other day I know will be better? The day I meet Duel Jewel. It WILL come if I have to wait until I am 25. And I WILL surely cry about 500 times in one day. and I WILL surely SOB when I get to hug Shun-sama (b/c i WILL). Do you think I'm kidding? I almost cried when Zero-sama TALKED to me, gods know I would lose it if SHUN, of all people, my SHUN-SAMA, hugged me. ::sings:: Sweet dreams til sunbeams find you... ugh that song is stuck in my head...ever since I saw that damned commercial on TV for the mattresses or w/e lol. Oh gods ::cries:: I have been having a realy difficult time down here in Tennessee. I hate it, I really do. But then again I feel so guilty and selfish....feeling pity for myself when I know there are MILLIONS of other people who have it so much worse than me... but I am weak...and I know it. Every time I eat ANYTHING, I feel weak and I cry. Every time I end up complaining or telling a friend abo my stupid horrible day I cry, and then I cry harder because every day (this is going to sounds cheesy...) I just want a hug. I want one of my best friends to just hug me and let me cry on them. But that can't happen. So I cry alone when my dad is asleep. It's so pathetic and it makes me completely HATE myself for it... but I just don't know how long I can take this... I may have to take summer school. A) at my old school we had 6 periods each day and each class was spread out over half a year (a semester), at which point we would earn a credit. this school, however, is run on a block schedule, where you take 4 classes a day, 8 classes a year, and at the end of the year you earn 8 credits if you pass all your credits. Well...since I moved in the middle of the last semester in my old school, I only have 1.5 credits. Plus failing Algebra, English, and Science did not help matters. B) even if i DO pass all my classes this year (which so far has not been hard..) I would only have 6.5 credits and I think you need 8 to graduate to the next grade...and I cannot afford summer school....$100 for 2 semesters? My dad said it is not that bad of a price but it is not money I'm having the issue with...it's the fact that summer school would only add to the weight on my mind and make the oncoming, inevitable breakdown, worse. and I was planning on staying in Ky for most of the summer to be with my friends...I miss them so horribly... I care about my grades, I really do, and I am not trying to make excuses but... this year has been so hard. So many things have happened that involve me or my friends and it is just so difficult to try and deal with that and not be distracted...I should try harder, and I hate myself for NOT trying harder...but I just can't. I don't know what to do and it is making me sick. I want to apply to go to UCLA for college but at this rate I'll be lucky to get into 10th grade. I'm done..I'm sorry... thank you if you got this far... xXTOCXx

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