Hmm
It seems I just don't know what to post anymore
It seems kind of reptitive after a while.
I can't wait to move out :o
I know it is what every teenager says
but it's not to get away from my parents (though that is a perk as well), it's just..I don't know, to feel like I'm not being controlled.
I still will be (thank you government) but at least I won't feel as much so...
I want to be prettier.
I make it blunt because there is no beating around the bush about it.
I'm sick of being ashamed of my appearance constantly.
I'm extremely sick of being so envious of my prettier friends.
I know what you're thinking, ne?
"Just do something about it then!"
Yeah...how many times have I said I will?
Goddamnit I just need to take CONTROL.
I don't know how to say this without sounding pathetic.
And either way I'm going to hate myself more afterwards.
But I have longed for someone to love for ages.
How gei does that sound?
Jezzus I'm pathetic.
So many crushes (okay not many, but a few is enough to invoke hatred towards love in all its forms). And so many of them go to shit.
I suppose, perhaps, it will be much easier to find the guy I'm looking for when I'm pretty enough to not have to work twice as hard.
I know, you shouldn't want a guy who just thinks you're pretty right?
And that's just it. I don't want a guy like that.
But I DO want to be satisfied with myself.
I don't want to feel like I'm failing him by looking...like this.
I can't be happy until I am pretty enough to be satisfied.
That is how my mind works.
So materialistic, I should be ashamed.
But it is.
If I look in the mirror and actually, genuinely smile because I think -- hey I actually look pretty for once!
then that is when I'll be happy enough to go on.
again, that is what my min thrusts into every other veign, everyo ther nerve ending in my body.
Be pretty = be happy.
I know that's not true.
But I also know it will help -- as most of my unhappy moments and days are due to my lack of self confidence.
And my lack of self confidence comes mostly from not being attractive enough in my eyes.
From being ashamed of myself.
I honestly don't know how this turned into such a long and rather....horrible rant...
so for that I apologize --
but I let my hands go free, free of restraint--
and this is what came out.
THAT is what came out.
I hope no one minds me thoughtless rambling ._. *sigh*
So much angsty stupid shoujo manga drama bullshit...
I need pictures...
just to clarify -- that was me in february. Back before I was this hideously fat (okay a bit of an exaggeration) but still then I wasn't happy with myself. *grimaces*
*grimace again*....yeah...this is me now.
Am I the only one to see the flaws?
*sigh* it always seems so...perhaps I am...ugh....
God I just wish I didn't have to look anymore...
I feel like I'm lying to everyone I pour myself out to on here...I do know I don't look as terrible in pictures as I do in person...so this tiny comparison I am making is pointless...
*siiigh* Aiiya....Zero-sama...you make me feel a little better inside...*small smile*
Shun-sama...you make my worries flutter away...just thinking of all the happiness I shared with them of which seems so long ago...the happiness you helped me obtain...
I thank you for this, always. If only you knew...
This is Shin Koyamada. He was an actor in The Last Samurai, and a very VERY gorgeous one if I do say so myself. He is also starring in a Disney original TV movie...something "wendy Wu" i dont even know. I watched half of it because Shin was in it. And I think Shin is beautiful. Enough said.
hideto-sama, he was such an adorable thing, wasn't he? I suppose we will never know the truth about the fateful night that ended his life...sadly to say.
ahaha...Kaoru...one of the only members of Dir en grey I could remember when I first discovered them. *giggles* Ahhh that seems so long ago...
Again...I offer my deepest of apologies for the random photos and the constant childish complaining, loves.
It helped me feel better though....
now maybe I can go to sleep for the night...
considering it's 12:42 am....
good night
xXTOCXx
