Monday, June 26, 2006

;-; okay soo.... i took my valum this morning before i went ot the dentist and it worked fine for a while...I was laughing at the air and running into things and falling down stairs and whatnot... then when i got to the dentist office it all wore off. I was slurring my words like I was drunk b/c my face felt heavy but that's about it... I was shakign so hard the light attached to the chair was moving and when they put me on the oxygen before the gas my mom had to hold my hands to keep them from shaking. She made me put my headphones back on and it helped a tiny bit but I left one out because I'm paranoid and i have to hear what's going on. So D'espairs Ray and Miyavi helped me the best...to calm me down. But even after they turned the gas on I was crying (involuntarily). I kept having to open my mouth to breathe b/c I was hyperventilating so hard, and my mom kept reminding me to breathe through my nose and I was trying but it was so hard b/c I was trying not to cry but if I breathed through my nose I could ry harder. It was silent crying because I was too scared and numb all over from the gas to make much noise, I have to mumble again. The assistant came in and was like "aawww ToT are you okay, hun?" b/c she saw my mascara running down my face. She told me I could stay on the gas as long as I needed to to calm down, and it shouldnt take more than 10 minutes of it before I was out cold. My dad came in then from work b/c my mom had called hima nd told him to come so I wouldn't freak out as much. And he was holding my hand and I was still hyperventilating and crying and they both kept trying to calm me down but it wouldnt work. The assistant was wrong...b/c listening to Meev I was in a half asleep state for about 30 seonds to a minute, then i heard my mom say something to her about the needle and my eyes popped open and my mind was alert again. The assistant told me she was surprised I was still awake because normally people would be unconscious with all the gas they were pumping into my system and for how long I'd been on it. My body was heavy and I coudl barely only twitch it...but my mind was so awake and alert. All I could do was cry and squeeze my dad's hand. It was like wanting to scream. Knowing I was about to be in so much pain but I couldn't scream and couldn't move and couldn't do anything. I felt so helpless and vulnerable. So even after 30 minutes of drugging me up on valum, and the gas. They said I was way too nervous and my body was trying to accept the gas but my brain woudln't let it work. so they said I should probably come back in about a week and they would have to literally sedate me HEAVILY. Ugh I feel so horrible ;-; My parents have to pay for me being too scared of needles. It was just that every time I started to doze off the memory of being stuck over and over and again and again and the light in my eyes and my breathign starting to slow and they all came at once and it was so vivid I would snap out of even THINKING about sleep. Like immediately. The amount of drugs they used on me should have knocked out anyone in 10 minutes flat. I was just too fucking petrified to let myself go away ;-; fuck xXTOCXx

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