Friday, August 25, 2006

i feel like my heart is breaking. There was bad drama yesterday... I don't think I should really give details, just out of respect for the people that hurt me (which sounds stupid..but I'm not as low as them...) I spent about 4-5 hours sobbing yesterday. Thanks to them... people who are supposed to be your "best friends" aren't supposed to make you feel hideous, aren't supposed to make you feel worthless and miserable, aren't supposed to make you scream and cry for hours on end. they're supposed to comfort you and be happy for you when you finally find happiness yourself... They're not supposed to tell you you're ugly when you're too far away for you to confront them. they're not supposed to be nonexistant to you for 5 months and then suddenly send you a MYSPACE MESSAGE, not even a phone call, no no, a MYSPACE MESSAGE, telling you how much of an egotistical bitch you are. I'm still so upset I can barely breathe, but I distracted myself as much as possible throughout school. I hate being upset in school. it breaks my concentration and draws more attention to me (like i don't get enough -__-). I have never been that angry...I hyperventilated and had an anxiety attack in the shower that was supposed to calm me down... I ripped off the necklace one of them had given me, ripped up the pictures of them on my folders... and it wasnt even intentional for me to do those things, I felt like I couldn't control my arms and legs, like I was running on auto. Today so many things made me think of them...EVERYTHING makes me think of them...and wonder why the hell they'd do this to me. Why, after knowing how much I've hurt and ached to see them again, they would break my heart once it was finally starting to heal. I drew Zero, and even in the middle of that I kept thinking of the D'espa live, which made me think of 'them'.. since they were there....and I would have to force my eyes to stop burning. I can't take pain like this...and I can't imagine my life without them...but friends don't make you feel that way... My lungs feel like they're on fire. And my throat feels like it's been drenched in acid... you know that term "misery likes company" ? It's so true...especially in certain people... anyway...on to better parts of today... pep rally was today..I just went to the cafeteria (you go there if you don't want to go to the pep rally's) which was a sea of black might I add *rofl and i wore two pairs of fishnets (red and black), my skirt, my red and black striped socks, my red pvc spiked collar, a black tank top that is skinny but goes below my hips (long) and a hoodie and armwarmers. and all day long people were asking me "aren't you hot?!" ._. ....no....I wasn't... ._. ..... I wear layers a lot but it was only today that people started to ask why I didn't have heatstroke lol brianna ...is just pathetic... that guy she knew for two days before making out with for 2 hours...mitchell...well evidently since then they have been "going out" (this was on wednesday people. it's been TWO FUCKING DAYS.) he "broke up" with her today. and she was sobbing and saying things like "I wish I didn't have a heart so I couldn't hurt anymore" which is really sad, and I did give her a hug because even though the reason for her being so down was BEYOND stupid, I don't like to see anyone that sad. So I cracked some very...blunt...perverted jokes *cough* and got her to smile... But honestly, TWO DAYS and she's only known him for like 5 at most. on the bus today I was talking to these 2 girls (sisters) and this guy who looks 8 but is really 15. The older sister is in 11th grade, one above me, and she asked who I was listening to and I said "dir en grey" she goes "ewwwww" and I went O____O but then she said "I'm just kidding, I like them xD" what a whore lmao I mentioned Miyavi in passing and she goes "FINALLY SOMEONE WHO KNOWS WHO THAT IS!!!!" heheeeeee I always befriend the spazzy anime people o__O I'm seeing a pattern... Anyway um..I should go clean...because yesterday I didn't do anything but wash the dishes... my dad said it was okay though because he saw how upset I was...so i hope it won't affect my pay tomorrow. xXTOCXx

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