Saturday, September 9, 2006

warning, this is one huge hormone-brought-on rant on my stupidity.

>:[ i can't fucking draw. again. I drew Teruki yesterday (ancafe) for Nicole. And he still lacks a mouth because the picture was so small that I couldn't see the mouth detail and I keep having trouble whenever I attempt it. And then today I tried to draw Bou. I fucked up his pretty little face. Ugh. Why can't I draw today DDD: It's because of his stupid light hair (okay it's actually not stupid, it's very very cute hair but that's irrelevant). I can NOT draw his light hair, I'm used to drawing dark hair because I don't know it's just easier. And blonde hair is so difficult to draw because the pencil is...dark ._. UGH fuck *kicks sketchbook* It used to have 70 sheets of paper but I ripped so many out because I can't FUCKING DRAW that it now has about 15. And only 3 are blank -_- I have another 70-sheet sketchbook that I haven't touched yet... but I'm scared to use it. I keep fucking up :( Everyone always tells me how good of an artist I am but really that's only people who can't draw anything in the first place. Not that that's a bad thing, I'm just saying...when you don't know what "good" really is you'll say that about anything that is better than what you can do. Like...ugh. The reason I have so little sketches is because I throw them all away because I so severely hate them. I'm too much of a perfectionist and I get frustrated and it'll look good while I'm drawing it and then when i set it down and come back to it later I think "what the FUCK why does it look like such SHIT" I'm so SICK of it. I can't get any good practice in because I throw everything away, rip it up, wad it into a ball, whatever. and then when I finally start to think "well i guess I am pretty good at this..." I see one of my artistic friends (i have PLENTY, trust me, who can draw AMAZING). and I'm just like "....." because then I feel like i'm inadequate and stupid. and I feel like a little kid handing my mother a finger painting, thinking it's the greatest thing on earth when it's really a piece of crap. FUCK. i feel like such an oblivious moron. Yes I'm saying fuck a lot. it makes me feel better. Fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. FUCK. There. I said it. Maturity is not a factor right now. I do not care.And you're probably going to hear it a lot more in the rest of the post. I feel just SO stupid...what the FUCKING hell. Every "talent" I thought I had is just stupid and always looks like crap. I'm supposed to be a "great artist" and a "great writer" according to my family, who fucking decides they need to BRAG about me every chance they get and then I'm forced to show my sketches of utter crappiness to people I don't even know, or my other relatives. and while they are thinking and saying "oh you're so good!" I'm thinking "yeah I'll bet you can't even draw a fucking stick figure so how would you know what 'good' is...." it's mean and I don't actually think in that context normally, so forgive me. but honestly...and when my friends who I know are better than me say something like 'oh that's good' then I'm thinking "liar" D< why the fuck can't I ever take a compliment?!?! Is that really rude of me? not to be able to take them? I just barley realized this, it wasn't even meant to be in this post but ....fuck, SERIOUSLY I never take compliments well. The only thing I know how to reply with is "...oh..thank you" and usually give a small smile. But I never believe anyone anymore. If I'm told I'm pretty I'm like "yeah right." If I'm told I'm a good artist I think "Mmhmm..." If I'm told anything like that I just can't believe them. I'm seriously asking this, it's not a ritorical question, is it RUDE of me? because I honestly don't intend to react that way I'm just so shy...I don't like to hear compliments... not to my face anyway. Because then people always think I'm stuck up since I don't talk to them. I'm not a stuck up bitch, I swear, I just don't like to talk much to people I don't know or don't like. and if people bother me and talk to me a lot when I'm...say...sitting down at lunch, not eating anything like usual, drawing or doing homework, and i have headphones in my ears on full blast, and they just fucking come up and start talking to me... but fuck can't they SEE that I'm a bit preoccupied? I know it's just them wanting to initiate a conversation, but what's so interesting about me that they have to come bug someone they don't even know. and I'm obviously not in the mood to talk if I'm completely absorbed in something else and they can HEAR my music blaring from where they are sitting. And then when they say "hi" or something I'll take out one earphone, smile, say "hi" and then put it back in. Maybe I'm the rude one? Oh god I dont even know anymore... am I just a rude bitch and don't see it because I AM stuck up or what? FUCKGRBLIGBKLGTBGLBGJLGFBLGBGLK hormones make me angry >:( yeah sorry guys...rambling about myself again... I'm just in a bad mood... which I should have sensed considering I woke up feeling really nice and not screamy or anything. fuck. again I'll say it. FUCK. xXTOCXx

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