Sunday, September 17, 2006

this is going to be a very unpleasant post. my apologies in advance.

ughhhh this week has been tiresome and evil and stupid haha nice choice of adjectives ne? Hmm... Well today, I can't give out any details because I promised her, but my friend Shae's sister posted her lj finally about her week at FVT (she's on jph staff so she helped Dir out with stuff along with Harry and the other staff). I'm not close friends with her sister or anything but Shae is a good friend so I heard stuff from her all the time lol... Anyway there were pics and stuff and I was in total awe and like out-of-body-experience shock at seeing some of them. But now I'm just hating my age AGAIN because It's like the peak of everything I've ever dreamed of doing, and by the time I'm old enough to go out and DO any of it it'll all be passed and faded and over. Nothing will ever be like this again and I'm too young and limited to do anything. I hate being 15, I seriously do. I can't do anything until I'm 18, and I'm not moving out until I'm 19 (unless I go to college right out of high school...). But I need to save money for college and moving to Cali. because I'm dead set on doing that... Ugh I just hate being 15. I hate being broke. I want a job, and money, and resources D: fucking hell I'm just all mixed up right now. SO happy for her but so envious and mad at myself like you wouldnt believe. bahhhh anyway... I had the weirdest, longest dreams last night... like freakish dreams and I couldnt tell if i was awake or asleep so I was always confused. My dad made me eat this morning. He cooks breakfast without asking me if im hungry, usually while im still asleep, and if i say im not hungry he gets all mad. And then I have to eat whether I'm hungry or not, and then all day I want to just gag myself and get rid of it, it's like a repeat of last summer (05). Except I'm mad at myself for being too fat and not being able to BE like last summer, and have my will power and the ability NOT to eat. And I want to just stop eating all together. I want to just lock myself in my room and wait until I'm half dead from starvation. Then maybe I'll have lost some of it. >( God fucking damn it. I'm just so sick of looking in the mirror and screaming at my reflection, I'm sick of trying on clothes and crying in the dressing room, I'm sick of feeling like I'm always single because I'm not good enough, I'm sick of feeling like I'm hiding behind all my layers of makeup, I'm sick of feeling like I have to wear baggy clothes to hide my body, I'm sick of people POKING me in the stomach because I'm scared they'll find out I do in fact have FAT even if I do hide it well sometimes... I'm so SICK of it I feel like I have nothing going anymore. I shouldn't be this concerned about how I look, I shouldn't hate my own body. I feel like it's pointless to lose any weight, I was 20 pound skinnier in December. Then I moved to Tennessee and started to not care anymore, I stayed in my house all day every day after school. I never went out with anyone and did anything, I just stayed at home and talked to my friends back home, that's all I wanted to do was talk to them. And I gained all the weight I had lost over summer 05 in just a few months, so in order to even get back to my december weight I have to first lose all the junk I gained since January. And in December I was even unhappy with myself and still wasn't good enough... it just seems so pointless to try anymore. Like I won't get anywhere. I'll always lose. my mom is bitching and I'm ready to slam something at her, I'm just beyond pissed today. UGH *goes to vent on something else for a while* xXTOCXx

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