Wednesday, September 20, 2006

:( Today was really horrible. I was hoping to be able to post something happy for you guys, I'm sorry... Just...god what the hell. It started in PE. I was fine up until then... we had to finish the badminton match between me, my partner, and the other team...the rest of the kids just sat around or whatever until we finished. Even then I was fine. I was laughing and stuff... But we had to play this freaky form of kickball (one where you cant stop running until you come back around). I HATE kickball. I hate anything that puts the spotlight on ME. I generally just absolutely hate gym just because it makes me feel vulnerable and quite bluntly it makes me feel naked. I only had to kick once, the next times i was supposed to go i just snuck behind a few more people and they didnt say anything. Personally I think they preferred if i didn't go, they didnt want me on their team anyway... That one time was just horrible. I can't even deny the fact that I have umm...frankly...i have large breasts :| ....and so i despise anything having to do with running (for obvious reasons, and I know you're laughing right now and I understand why but it's really not funny right now). So like...I'm really really embarassed to even say this but when I run, if im not wearing a sports bra then I have to keep my arms at least near my chest.. and i am just really self-conscious and just not athletic at all. So I get back and im like ~_~ because I didnt want to do it in the first place... and i come to find out from a girl who i was talking to (she's nice but we're not really 'friends') people were talking about me. I was just horrified, and pissed off beyond reasoning. People were talking about my CHEST. I don't care if people talk about my hair cut or my makeup or my music or anything else, because i CHOOSE to do those things. but i can't help...that... i kind of was quiet the rest of the day. I felt so stupid but I just felt so attacked in gym. I hate being yelled at, by ANYONE...and I'm self-conscious abotu my body enough as it is... I didn't talk and was so happy to finally just get dressed..and I waited until everyone had left the dressing room and right before the bell rang for lunch before i actually left it... I didnt want to look at anyone, I just turned the volume all the way up on my mp3 player and looked at the floor or the walls until we left.. I feel like an idiot now...every now and then since that period I've been having to force myself not to start crying because I felt so bad and so stupid. I haven't felt that bad in a while...and all over something that stupid...why the fuck do i get so worked up...why am I so fucking sensitive?? I do'nt give a SHIT if someone LIKES me or not, I'd prefer if everyone was neuteral about me. Not friends but not enemies...if we didnt have to do anything like picking people for teams, or picking partners on assignments, then I would just ignore everyone and sit by myself. i get embarassed really easily and try to brush it with a small laugh...but inside it just hurts. physically i feel a catch in my throat and my lungs and i just hate it. I want just one good friend in school and I'm perfectly well off for the rest of my time there...but here I don't have that. I haven't had that since 8th grade and I miss it so much. Everyone here who most people assume to be "my kind of group" shuns me away because I am basically a good girl...meaning I don't do any drugs, I don't get detention (and when I think I do I have total breakdowns), I don't drink, I'm a virgin... I don't know I just haven't felt like I've fit in anywhere at ALL here in Tennessee... I miss Ryle (my school back in KY)...it was such a good school...how am I ever EVER going to get through 2 and a half more years of this...?? Fuck. I was seriously hoping to post something great and happy and thought provoking or SOMETHING today... i just can't. i'm sorry, guys. xXTOCXx

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