Friday, January 12, 2007

short post at 12:33 am

I think I realize why I'm so uptight all the time Okay so -- about in the fall of 2005, there was a lot of home-drama and my parents sent me to a therapist for a while in case I needed it (or something like that). She told me it sounded like I had OCD, and my parents as well as lots of people who know me agree with it. I have a blinking issue, I have to hitch my breath in certain patterns with blinks and if I do it wrong I have to start over again. I tap things repeatedly and, again, in certain patterns and at certain speeds. I'll twitch or shake my arms or hands or shoulders, I count floor tiles a lot, I go absolutely insane if things aren't positioned the right way and spend forever trying to fix it, spots on chalkboards bother me immensely and I have to FORCE myself not to lash out at the teacher to let me go up and erase the board (it's not the same if they do it, it doesn't feel right), I'll type out whole sentences, then erase them and type them again -- just random little things like that are so significant to me that if I don't do them my mind freaks out and I start to store up all the anxiety from it. If I do things like that in public, well quite frankly people may think I'm crazy or something. So I've ceased most of those things lately, except I still have a strong urge to do them and I want to so badly that I cry or want to cry sometimes out of frustration. But I can't because I'm just terrified that I'll be marked 'insane' or something like that. I get so completely irritated that I'll turn total bitch on anyone in just one second. Eh I couldn't sleep because I was thinking about this so hard, so I had to write it down. Sorry for lameness on my part D: got to go to bed before the parents catch me now xXTOCXx

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