Sunday, October 10, 2004

er. chappy 4

Chapter 4 I’ve been just up front with Phillip. I told him how I feel. Now I’m just waiting for his response. He looks at me and says. ‘Calla I’m glad you told me how you feel. I only went out with her because I thought you were no longer interested. Calla, will you go out with me?’ I reply, ‘But Phillip, you can just leave Becky like that. She needs you more than me…’ ‘But I only wanted you…’ ‘You can’t just leave my friend like that! I could never…’ “Calla can you answer the question?” My eyes focus from their glazed look. Blast I almost had the perfect ending. Now I’ve lost my train of thought! “No Ms. Miller, I don’t know the answer.” I say in the saddest voice I could muster. She looks annoyed but my reply made me look like I was at least listening. I’ve got to stop daydreaming. My grade in this class needs to be brought up to at least a B or my dad is gonna kill me. I sink in the chair a bit and see the blurred words on the board. I try very hard to make sense of them. I couldn’t though. I’ll try to get the notes from someone else. That’s how I learn. Stupid classrooms, I can never learn anything while I’m in them. I lean over my notebook and start to doodle in the corner. Most of the time they just end up scribbles. But sometimes they turn out cool. This one is not one of those. It looks like someone ran over a very big bug. The bell rings and I get ready for my next class. I have PE next. I hate PE. All the athletic people are so high and mighty. I hate to move much less exercise. But it’s required and so here I am. Stupid gym, how I envy you being able to stand there without even so much as moving. I bet I make you tired running around inside of you. Oh, you sicken me! When brought to the ending of one It is the beginning of another So even if we finally finish one The start of the other Is just the beginning My friend Savannah is in the class with me. I snap out of my sad mood and smile at her. She wouldn’t understand if I acted any different that what she expects of me. I already lost one friend trying to tell them. I didn’t even get half way through before… “Calla!” Savannah says walking up “Vanna!” I grin “Long time no see.” “Yeah I havn’t seen you for like five whole minuets.” Had her in my last hour class. “Stupid project, the teacher wouldn’t accept it late so I got tardy for no reason. I’m so mad!” I just smile and shake my head. If only she knew who she was talking too. I have done so many bad things. It would make her cringe because that would never be expected of me. They think they can predict me and so I make myself predictable. Laughing with her I feel so detached. I don’t even know this person playing to be me. What am I doing? Why am I playing this game? “I got that Orlando Bloom picture you wanted!” Vanna says “YEAH!!!” I jump up and down. She laughs ”It’s in my book bag. I’ll give it to you at lunch.” “OK!” I grin even bigger She thinks I like Bloom. Yeah sure he’s cool and cute but I don’t love him. I only act to because they expect me too. I idolize him but I don’t love him. He is everything I could ever want to be. Daring, cute, smart, I wish I could be those things… Than maybe Phillip would like me better. Maybe that is what I’m missing… I don’t think there has been a day go by I havn’t thought about Phillip. At least said his name to myself. Sighing I go back to being the happy one. Just like I was suppose to play. Absence makes the heart grown fonder? It doesn’t, it only makes the heart bleed, And the soul weep. It makes you ask, Where is he? Is he thinking of me? Can he no longer be with me? To comport and soothe my fears. Could we have been… Before the all the pain and loss, One as we were meant to be? But no I am alone now I am torn This shattered body can not be fixed My heart will never be mended. I can not go into the lunchroom today. He will still be there. I can not at least, not without doing something stupid. I can feel the tears in my eyes but they will never come out. My father taught me that. You can never cry, suck it up. Only babies cry. Sadly, I was still a baby when he told me that. That was before I lost my Innocence. xoxoxo Kara

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