Thursday, August 12, 2004

Don't read on unless you want to read about my ranting of my life. I don't want sympathy of any kind. I feel better now thats its down. You have been warned.

I haven't been feeling very well this past night. (not sick sick emotional sick) I'm hoping its just with the coming of school but... I've been unable to fall asleep these past few nights. I don't know if its normal or not but I can feel a deep pain in my heart. Like someone is twisting a knife into my soul.

My dreams of late have turned into nightmares. Creatures of unknown origon always end of devowering or killing everyone I know. With no matter how hard I try I can do nothing to stop them.

I guess this is what one can call a depression. Ever since my dad re-married (4th damn time!) I've avoided all contact with him or at least tryed to. The 3 weeks away from home was bliss. It made me forget the pain of being home for but a little time.

My brother is being deported in september. Hes going back over seas to fight in this damn war we have going on. He says hes going to be safe but I don't care. Just being over there is dangerous. My brother is my role-model. He taught me everything I know about games. He started me into card games, video games, the computer. Hime and my sis always fought but I got along fine with both of them.

My sister is halfway across the states studying nursing. We hardly alike in anyway but shes still one of the people I have that I would lay my life down for. Her and my bro have my complete trust. They trust me with secreats that they would never tell my parents. I miss them so much.

My father and mother have lost my trust long ago. heck my dad is probably the reason why I've never dated anyone. Because of him I distrust all guys. With so many wives he makes me think all they want is a girl to feel better, curse him for that. He likes the idea of being married but he doesn't like being married. At least that what my friends and I've some to the conclusion of.

This past year has done nothing to improve my feelings. I've lost over half my friends because they stabbed me in the back or told me things that they know would have made me mad. Even my deepest friend whom I confided my feelings in betrayed me. I went to a tarot reader long ago and she said that I take all the pain of my friends and help them before I ever help myself and its become so true. My friends mean more to me than I could ever care for myself.

I indulge and pour my feelings into everything I do. My writing, my pictures, games... Its a momentary escape from myself. I went through this whole thing with Kellie (my ex best friend) told her everything I felt. She went behind my back and talked to her church person (can't think of his name just now) he told her that I may be a suicidal. I guess she took it to heart because she asked me about it. She even sent me the msn messenger thing (thats where they talked about it) where she said she thought I was suicidal. I hate the idea of pain. Why the heck would I bring more to myself? Suicide is a cheep way out of everything. Thinking about death makes me hate it even more. I face this world head on takeing everything as it comes. But she would never have know that because I didn't talk to her for the rest of the school year. At orientation she said Hi to me and I said hi back but I don't plan on being her friend ever again.

ok sorry about that, The begining of school brings all these bad memories back to me and more. I'm sorry you had to read that. (if you did) I'm going to go work on my fic so look forward to that ^-^ anyway I'll cya all later.

~Kara~

p.s. I don't want any 'I feel sorry for you' or 'I hope you feel better' Because now that its down I don't care about it anymore. I feel better now so don't bother with any of that nk? thanks
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