myOtaku.com: Yaoishoujo

myO Still <3's You

Vitals

Birthday
• 1982-05-04
Gender
• Female
Location
• California, USA
Member Since
• 2005-01-04
Occupation
• Consumer Goods
Real Name
• Heather

Personal

Achievements
• Don't ask....
Anime Fan Since
• 1998
Favorite Anime
• I love too many anime!
Goals
• To become a great yaoi writer and to become a psychologist(maybe)
Hobbies
• Writing, collecting anime/manga and anime merchandise, collecting everything and anything yaoi
Talents
• Writing, singing(as people say -_-;;;), helping people

myOtaku.com: Yaoishoujo

Saturday, May 21, 2005

Way too Much has happened!!!

I truly am! A lot has happened lately and I'm sure you're all wondering where the hell I've been.*takes deep breathe* Are you all comfortable? I hope so, cuz you're in for another long post from yours truly. Okay, how it all began:

A few days ago, I confessed my feelings for a friend of mine that I had met over the net. I know what you're thinking: what was I thinking, right? This person's just an internet friend, correct?*small smirk* That's what I thought at first, too. But those feelings soon changed and I fell for my friend from England. This person is sweet, kind, and knows exactly what to say to make my heart flutter. But... now...*fights back tears*... I realize my mistake. It was way too rash of me to do such a thing and put so much pressure on this person. I recieved an email saying that this person had signed on to msn messenger and wanted to talk. Well... I waited. I'm still waiting. I don't know what's going on in this person's head and it's driving me nuts. On Teusday, I was logged in to my msn messenger account for 14 hours straight. I kept glancing down at the little butterfly icon, hoping that this person would sign on. Even now, I'm signed on... hoping... waiting. Does this person hate me for what I have done? Is this person trying to avoid me at all cost, even if they stated they wanted to talk... twice? I honestly don't know what to do. I'm scared to death and my heart is breaking. I'm trying my best right now to fight back oncoming tears. It hurts so much not knowing what your crush is feeling. I'm so scared guys! So very scared!

To make matters worse, one of my other net friends, who happens to like me A LOT, emailed me after I spilled my heart out about my current situation and gives me another sob story about her life. Did I need hear all that? Hell no! I needed a friend to turn to in my time of need. It pissed me off, but mostly it made me feel extremely lonely. It made me realize, once again, that I don't have many friends I can turn to when I need a shoulder to cry on. You guys are great and I know you'd probably want to do just that for me, but the reality is... you can't. I'm not blaming you. I love you guys so much, I can't express it in words. It's just that, in times such as those, I need to feel the warmth of somone's arms around me, comforting me. I really don't have that. I have only my family, my ex-boyfriend who is still my best friend, and myself.*sobs into arms* I need a friend! I feel so very lonely! Last night, I sobbed for a good ten minutes into my pillow. I felt so alone... so lost... so vulnerable. To be honest, I still do. I can't stop crying even now. I wrote a kind of poem last night to calm myself down. Here it is:

~Alone~

As I lie here on my bed,
Tears streaming down my face
Soaking the fabric beneathe me,
I realize how alone I am.

I'm crying myself to sleep
I'm telling myself it'll be alright
I'm calming myself down
Only then do I realize...
I want someone to tell and do these things for me.
As of now,
I could care less who.
Just as long as I had a shoulder to cry on.

Yes, I'm used to crying on people who're more like walls than humans.
Yes, I'm used to giving and not recieving
Yes, I've learned to survive by telling myself all will be fine
Yes... I'm used to feeling alone.
But... is that enough?
Being used to something and wanting it are two totally different things.

I don't want to go through the hard times alone
I don't want to reach out my hands only to grab nothing
I don't want to cry on my pillow,
When all I want is a comforting shoulder.
I don't want to hear my own voice in my head telling me that I'm okay
I don't need sympathy...
Though a little couldn't hurt.

I hate feeling helpless and alone
I hate having nowhere to turn
And no one to turn to
I hate the feeling of a wet pillow case
All I really want is to apologize for soaking someone's cotton t-shirt.

I give and give,
Yet, even though I get next to nothing in return,
I continue to give.
Am I being used?
Do these people even care?
If I were to die,
Would my death be mourned?
Am I that terrible?
Do you hate me that much?
What have I ever done to recieve so much... nothing?

So... here I am
In my room
Engulfed by darkness
And as I gaze around my empty room with hazey eyes still not dry...
I think...
Who...
Who can I turn to when I need help?
Who will be there to comfort me in my time of need?
Coming up blank,
I sigh heavily as tears resurface and fall like beads of dew on a grassy plain.
I fall to my tear filled pillow
Realizing, once again, that I am alone.
Once more,
My biggest fear is unveiled...
The fear of being completely alone.

So, now you guys know my biggest fear. What do you make of it? Does it scare you? Will you leave?*shakes head* I'm sorry. I don't mean to ask you guys these questions. You don't need this kind of stress. It's all mine and I don't want to burden you with them. Don't worry about me. I'll be okay. I'm just hurting a lot right now and I have no one to turn to. Everytime I'm reminded of that fact, tears just start falling.

Since I like posting pics of how I'm feeling, I'll do just that.

This is all I need right now...

Again, this is something I really want...

I want someone to offer their hand to help me up when I'm down...

Sorry if that was a super long post.*bows* I needed to vent somehow. If I don't get to your sites tonigh, I'll do it tomorrow night. I'm sorry I haven't made it to your sites lately, but, as you can see, a lot has been on my mind. I hope you all forgive me. Have a great day you guys. I love you so very much. See ya.

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