Monday, June 27, 2005

   Reality Check

It’s been way too long, hasn’t it? *deep sigh* I’m sorry everyone, but I haven’t been in the best of moods lately, which keeps me away from the comp. -_- I’m glad you all liked my post from yesterday. ^^ A lot of you found it very profound and useful. That was my intent, so I’m glad it served it’s purpose. ^_^ Now, as for everything else, my dear friend kari asota here on MO has experienced a death brought on by suicide. One of her very dear friends died recently and this is scaring me for two reasons: 1) she PMed me in a very panicky state and hasn’t gotten back to me yet; 2) having suicidal friends can influence others and I don’t want anything bad happening to her. ;_; I want her to get back to me, cuz I’m really worried and want to help. I couldn’t save my other friend and I don’t want that happening again. Mainly, this is the reason I’ve been so down lately. I’m sick of suicidal people, cuz they only end up hurting the ones they care for and it’s really upsetting. It breaks my heart to see my very close friends in such a bad state over a friend who couldn’t see the road ahead, in which their futures lay in waiting. They couldn’t see the good, because their minds are far too clouded with negativity and pain. People, I’ve been through pain. I know what it’s like to want to end your life at a moments notice cuz you feel life isn’t going the way you had hoped. The only advise I can give for people who feel that way is: SUCK IT UP!!!!! Life sucks sometimes, but you HAVE to plow through it and make your life worthwhile, cuz NO ONE is gonna do it for you! Your family life may suck and your parents may treat you bad, in which case you have to think ahead to the moment you will be able to move out and move on. DON’T GIVE UP ON LIFE!!!! We are ALL here for a reason, so don’t waste it! Find your purpose and live up to it. I can tell you for SURE that we were NOT put on this earth to kill ourselves. Like the old saying goes: “Sh@* happens!” Deal with it and move on! You guys want some history on me? If you want to know about just a pinch of the hardships I’ve been through, then read on. If not, please scroll past it and on to greener pastures. My dad dies when I was 13 from Lou Gerig’s disease. It’s a disease which attacks the nervous system and slowly eats away at your muscles, till you’ve taken your last breathe. I had to watch him die slowly for 4 years. 4 heartbreaking, earth shattering years! Many of you have probably never experienced such tragedy and I hope you never will. I had to watch him go from walking, to a walker, to a wheelchair, and finally secluded to the livingroom lounge chair. I remember when his lungs were just starting to deteriorate. Shortness of breathe soon led to no voice at all. He could only whisper and move his lips. I remember coming home from school or a soccer game and my mom would tell him how well I did on this and that. On many occasions such as those, he’d give me the hugest, kindest smile and whisper how proud he was of me. Do any of you know how heartbreaking that is?! He was in so much pain and agony, but he would hide it as much as he could just so we wouldn’t worry. He wanted nothing more than for his family to be happy. Even now, 10 years later, I still get choked up thinking about it. Tears of grief flood my eyes at the thought of his smiling face, hiding a pain that I’ll probably never experience. I recall many incidents in which he tried to walk, but ended up tumbling to the ground, resulting in large gashes on his forehead. I was so young at the time, so it was hard to think straight during such times. But, I did know that he was getting worse by the day and his time to leave us was drawing near. My mom put me into counseling when I was 9, just so I could vent whatever emotions I might’ve had. I have been to countless counselors since then. I’ve always had emotional problems, but my father’s death marked the beginning of a painful journey of which I am still embarking. I thought of suicide shortly after his death. I remember countless times in which I’d pick up a knife and want to slice my wrists just to end the pain and suffering I was enduring. But, a few thoughts kept me from going through with it. I’ll share them with you in hopes that maybe they will help to keep you away from doing such a selfish act. First was my family (my mom and little sis)-- they would be even more devastated at losing yet another close family member, so why would I want to inflict that upon them. Why would I want to cause them more pain? Second, would be my life-- I had a future ahead of me and ending my life was not a future to look forward to. Lastly, would be my dad-- he would want me to move on and be happy. He’d want me to grow up and experience life, instead of throwing it away. He gave me life and living it is the best thanks I could ever give him. Now I must tell you about the morning of his death. My mom woke me up at 3am and brought me into her bedroom, so that I may see that my father was truly gone. So many years after, my mom questioned many people if, in fact, that was the right thing to do. Health professionals and psychologists assured her that what she did was, indeed the best thing for me. It let me see with my own eyes the reality of the matter, which, in turn, would not lead to many unanswered questions in the future. So, anyway, I walk in to find my two aunts (my dad’s two sisters) crying by his bedside. Now, what I saw on the bed was something I’ll never forget. My father’s face was blue, his mouth was hanging wide open, and he wasn’t moving. Truth be told, I didn’t cry. I was in too much shock from everything that was happening. The next thing that happened was even more horrifying than what I saw in my parents’ bedroom. The men from the mortuary came and I watched as they zipped my dad’s lifeless body into a black body bag. It scares me to this day when I think about it. Not too many people have to experience their loved ones get put into a body bag right before their eyes. It took me a good year to actually cry over this loss. That’s how in denial I was and how long it took me to accept that he was truly gone. Most of my memories of when I was 14 are blank. I was in such deep depression. I know this is a long post about my depressing life and I apologize whole heartedly for making you sad or depressed. My whole post was to be based on suicide, but it turned into a drama sitcom based on my life. -_-;;; Sorry everyone. The point I was trying to make was that life is too precious to waste on thinking it isn’t. Like I said before, we all have a purpose, so find yours and find happiness within it. I am still finding mine, but I may have a pretty good idea of what it might be. ^^ I hope I’m right. What I do know is that my father will watch over me and help me through anything life has to offer. That alone keeps me going. Since this is a rather long post, I’ll end it here. Remind me to talk about anime in my next post, okay, everyone. ^^; I kinda need to do that since I have a lot to talk about in that area. One anime in particular that I want to discuss, cuz it was really disturbing to my sister and I. Before I go: ^_^ Thank you so very much everyone! I can’t believe I have this many hits already. You all make me feel so very special. *hugs* I’ll see you next post. Much love to you all! ~your angel from above

Comments (25)