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Saturday, February 11, 2006


Heh...
Heh....I just realised something...something that I thought I had already known but I guess the fact is finally really starting to sink in...I am absolutly worthless...I have always known that I have no purpose in this world but only now have I realised just how worthless I am...I know this really isn't the time or the place to be saying this...and I don't really know if I could explain what I'm saying if I tried but whatever. I have been told that I should update on here more often anyways...

There was a time when I prided myself for my loyalty to the few that I actually considered friends...well, then I realised that there really isn't anyone that I am really loyal to...no one that I would give my life for because I care for them. I care too little about my life for a statement like that to mean anything anyways. I would happily die for anyone that was willing to let me die in their place. And I keep hearing people say things like 'treat others as you want to be treated' and so on...well what if I want to cut myself, hurt myself, tear myself up inside and out? Is that how I should treat others then? I hate myself...that all there really is to it. I can't help it. I guess most people would just call it teen angst or something but whatever. I really don't care anymore...I was reading Cia...do I really have a right to call her that still? after the way I hurt her? I don't know...gomen ne...I don't know what to call you anymore...but her story that she updated and I realised something...whenever I make a friend...or meet anyone that starts getting even a little close to me, I push them away, I didn't even realise that I did it until a short while ago...I don't know...I just don't know anymore...well, I better shut up now. Gomen ne to anyone that reads this...matte...I just want to end this with a poem I wrote at radom the other day...

As lonely tears this blood shall drain
Proof of timeless sorrow, endless pain
This ragged breath may be my last
as I'm forced to ponder thoughts long past
I've tried to be rid of this fate I have worn
to save my soul as it is once again torn
I should have predicted the way this would end
for no peace can be found 'till we are dead.

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