Saturday, May 13, 2006

   Just some random stuff

"How many 'n''s are there in 'Funk'?" -Gaara of the Funk; Naruto: The Abridged Series Thanks to The Joke Closet Alcohol Warnings The FDA is considering additional warnings on beer and alcohol bottles...such as: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not. * Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot. * Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN. * Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish. * Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-wives are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning. * Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead. * Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Chuck. * Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible. * Consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you. * Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to "literally disappear". DON'T DO DRUGS!!! Just some random articles From the Honolulu Advertiser more than 20 years ago as printed in Ann Landers, Sunday, April 7, 1996, (slightly rephrased): Senators William B. Spong of Virginia and Hiram Fong of Hawaii sponsored a bill recommending the mass ringing of church bells to welcome the arrival in Hong Kong of the U.S. Table Tennis Team after its tour of Communist China. The bill failed to pass, cheating the Senate out of passing the Spong-Fong Hong Kong Ping Pong Ding Dong Bell Bill.** Our correspondent in Poland reports that Wojciech Jaruzelski, Tadeusz Mazowiecki and Lech Walesa met in a summit conference, and the only thing that they could agree on was that George Bush has a funny name. From the SF Chronicle, Herb Caen's column** An Issaquah, Washington man apparently became frustrated with his personal computer, pulled out a gun and shot it. The computer, located in the man's home office, had four bullets holes in its hard drive and one in the monitor. Police evacuated the man's townhouse complex, contacted the irate PC owner by phone, and persuaded him to come out. "We don't know if it wouldn't boot up or what," says one of the police officers at the scene. St. Petersburg Times - July 20, 1997** Thanks to Basicjokes.com **Bumper Stickers** *I don't question your existence - GOD* *Next time you think you're perfect... ...try walking on water* *Lord help me to be the person my dog thinks I am.* *Come the rapture can I have your car?* *It's okay, I didn't believe in reincarnation the last time, either.* *If God didn't want us to eat animals why did he make them out of meat?* *Jesus. Don't leave earth without him.* *Eve was framed.* *Okay, who put a "stop payment" on my reality check?* *We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?* *All generalizations are false, including this one.* *"Criminal Lawyer" is a redundancy.* *I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got!* *We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.* *Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity.* *Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.* *If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.* *The Earth Is Full -- Go Home* *This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening to Me* *Cleverly Disguised as a Responsible Adult* *The Face Is Familiar But I Can't Quite Remember My Name* *Illiterate? Write For Help* *Honk If Anything Falls Off* *He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From the Next Exit* *Where Are We Going and Why Am I In This Handbasket?* *It's Been Lovely But I Have To Scream Now* *I Haven't Lost My Mind, It's Backed Up On Disk Somewhere* *Remember Folks: Stop Lights Timed For 35mph Are Also Timed for 70mph.* *Boldly Going Nowhere* *Heart Attacks... God's Revenge for Eating His Animal Friends* *How Many Roads Must a Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost?* *Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT!* *I souport publik edekasion* *Mediocrity thrives on standardization.* *I is a college student.* *Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.* *Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom?* *Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.* *Too many freaks, not enough circuses.* * I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.* *Therapy is expensive, poppin' bubble wrap is cheap! You choose.* *If I throw a stick, will you leave?* *You! Off my planet!* *I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.* My voicemail message Psychiatric Hotline Hello, Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline. If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2. If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6. If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press. If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer. If you are delusional and occasionally hallucinate, please be aware that the thing you are holding on the side of your head is alive and about to bite off your ear. I hope these made you laugh. I sure thought they were funny.

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