Friday, May 30, 2008

   The Devil's transportation...
Well aside from the usual chatter and mindless piles that come out of my mind and through the keyboard, I'm actually doing quite well. School is out, which... is good? Eh... it'll eventually go to hell. But I'm thinking about it like this: enjoy the "happiness" while it last.

Anyhow, I do in fact plan on doing something with my life over the summer. And that, my friends, is getting a job. Hahah, yea, I really don't like the thought of it, but it's better than just laying around in bed all day. Besides, I get money... so I don't have to mooch off of my mom. Well here are the current places within my grasps:
-HyVee
-WalMart
-F.Y.E.
-Subway
... I do hope that FYE gives me a call. Even though I live about 2 miles away from the mall, I'm willing to get over my pathetic fear of public transportation for the job.
-
12:04pm
Comments (0) | Permalink

Saturday, May 17, 2008

Words to live by...
I still don't understand why my friend likes the taste of beer. Its... disgusting. Well, in my opinion anyhow. Have some standards when it comes to getting drunk. Don't get drunk on something cheap like beer... get some wine instead. It taste a lot better anyhow.
-x-
On to oblivion:
-x-
This is Emmet Till. Age 15.
Clicky...
-x-
This is Emmet Till AFTER he said bye to a white girl.
Clicky-clicky...
-x-
Racism is brutal.
-x-
3:50pm
Comments (0) | Permalink

Saturday, April 19, 2008

I will kill you...
... the second you look away.
-x-
Lately I have been on the verge of insanity. I can't really tell anymore if what I'm currently feeling is sadness, anger, hate, happiness, confusion, or whatever other emotion you can think of. I just don't know anymore. I can't trust myself with anything and I surely can't trust others. God, I can't even look at my closest friends with the same sense of joy and pride that I used to. Everyone just seems to annoy me and merely hearing their voices just fills me with such anger and even hate. They are good people, I understand that, but each day I can pick out dozens of things they do that just annoy me. And I'm so fucking angry because no one understands that, I can't speak my mind on something without being called "mean" or "a freak". I can't even begin to address how terrible I feel right now. I just want someone to talk with, that's all I ever want. I need someone to tell me that I am not just insane or a "bad" person. Each day I'm called crazy, and whether they mean it or not, it has an effect on me. I am insane, I am fucked up, I do need help. Yes, I fucking know that you assholes. Just don't tell me every day. For the love of God... I want to know that there is nothing wrong with me. I want to know that maybe this is just something I am going through.

It's not normal. And the constant nagging comments just add to my self- loathing. Insomnia is nothing compared to the complete random outbursts that I have at night. No one in this fucking family knows what I go through. None of them can even begin to understand how negatively life is affecting me, and how I can feel my own mind slowly rotting in the dank shell that is my skull. I'm 15 years old. I'm only 15 and I can already feel myself losing some battle that I never knew existed. My own mind turns against me and the things that once filled me with happiness and joy just make me angry and more depressed. People can't understand that! Fuck! I don't know why, but they can't fucking get that.

My own life is slowly starting to crumble around me. My mind is evaporating ever so slowly, and each day it's getting harder to wake up. Each day the door to life is slowly inching it's way shut. I'm scared, I'm sad, I'm angry, I'm depressed, I'm suicidal, I'm insane, I'm dying... and they don't realize it.
Comments (0) | Permalink

Sunday, April 6, 2008

Arrg!
Damn! It's been such a long time since I've been online. Unfortunetly, Rufus and my mom have total control of the computer and the house in general. Anyhow, this little house of mine has been recently plagued with many disasterous events. Aside from the usual crap that happens, I've recently found out that my brother is a little achoholic, a smoker, and handles weed. I've known this for, actually, quite some time; however, only... 2 days ago did my mom find out. This, in my opinion, is depressingly sad. Yes, yes, he comes home around 2 or 3 in the morning throwing up (which is fun to watch), reeking of booze. But of course, my mom never really "notices".

Well anyhow this is the krunx of this entire post thing, 2 days ago, I was talking to my mom about the different "habits" that my brother has, and of course she was shocked when the topic of ciggarets and weed came up. Eventually I left, and I was happily enjoying my chinese food up in my room, when suddenly... Hurricane Mom came crashing through my room and into my brother's. She, in a terriible fit of rage, lifted my brother's mattress and chucked it to the other side of the room. Now, before you all go thinking that my mom is some sort of insane, overly dramatic, mad bitch (oh wait... she is), know that she normally doesn't flip out like she did that day.

Wow... I'm protecting my mom. Scary.

So where was I? Oh yea: Hurricane Mom.
Alright, so I noticed two empty bottles of booze that were hidden in between his mattress. My mom flipped out, for no reason I though. So she ran downstairs, called the police and came back up and told me my sister to not touch anything. This was weird and in my opinion blown way out of proportion, then I actually walked into his room and there, right in front of me, was a bag filled with weed. So, there I stood laughing. It was honestly really, really, really funny. Partly because I knew that he would get SCREWED for it, and because I then realized exactly how stupid he really was for keeping it in the fucking house! xD

Well, to make this terribly long story short: the police came (oh, and might I add the my brother was working when this all happened), he took the bag, he left after my mom filed a police report, my mom and Rufus moved his bed downstairs saying that he is "unfit" to be sleeping upstairs with us (his sisters), my sister and I looked around and found more shit, he came home and there was some more hell.

Overall it was an interesting weekend. I can't wait untill Monday, only because I know that he will be getting screwed once he's called down and the school's police officer is waiting for him.

Maggie is happy. Eerily, depressingly, unnaturally, happy.

Oh, and just for fun, here's the totals:
-4 bottles of alchohol (all empty)
-3 bags of weed (1 empty, 2 half full)
-1 pipe
-2 lighters
Now, this is just what we found here. I asked my mom what she thinks he's out doing at 2 in the morning and she tells me, quote, "I'm not sure. Maybe just hanging out with friends or something."

Hahah! No, no you silly goose!
---
6:01pm
Comments (0) | Permalink

Thursday, March 27, 2008

Whee...
So Three Days Grace, Breaking Benjamin, and Seether recently came to our small little town. A dear friend of mine told me that she was paid $20 to make out with some chick at the concert, which was the highlight of my day. Seriously. It was one of the most funny things hearing her describe her little experience, and I'm looking forward to the next concert. :]

Well today I'm off to Chicago. It's snowing, once again, and school is 2 hours late. Lets see... I have about half an hour left. As of right now, I'm furiously attempting to download as much music as I can to keep me satisfied on the 10-11 hour bus ride to (and from) Chicago. Anyone like Scary Kids Scaring Kids? They are a sexy good band. ;D
Comments (0) | Permalink

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Joy.
Isn't it just so fucking hilarious how Sauske Uchida is always called "Emo"? God, I think it's so damn funny! xD
Comments (0) | Permalink

Sunday, March 16, 2008

The stares... the mind rotting stares...
Okay, so I'm at the library and it's so akward typing in a room filled with people. This kid is staring at me and I'm fighting the urge to just smack him. Anyways, I guess that I can't spill anything "worth reading" or "deep" while I'm here. I've already gotten enough stares from just being in this place.

Well Chicago is just 11 days away. I really can't believe that I will be gone from this hell for about.... 4 days. It's so fucking expensive but it's totally worth it. It's an 11 (yea, I originally thought it was only 10) hour bus ride from here to Chicago, but again it's so worth it.
Yea... I won't miss it here.

Well I think that the more disturbing thing about the whole trip is that my orchestra teacher's mother (Yes. Mother) will be tagging along for the trip. You know, it's already weird enough with my teacher, but with his mother... it should be "interesting". I've always wondered how she'd be like. Well, not really. I never thought that I'd meet her. Anyhow, it's going to be fun I guess. Unfortunetly, however, we will all be forced to go to some pathetic little dance. We are also goign to be competing against... about 10 other schools I think. That shouldn't be such a problem, but the dance. Gah! I can see it now: some big dark room, brightly colored lights randomly flashing in our faces and terrible music. Terrible, terrible music.

The thought that my friend's are going to be suffering along with me makes me smile.

Well on that note, I shall be going now. Be back soon.
---
3:41pm
Comments (0) | Permalink

Tuesday, March 4, 2008

   Quizilla fun.
This isn’t suppose to be happening.
I can’t feel anything. Not my hands, my feet, my ears. Nothing! I- I don’t know what is wrong with me. Oh God, please help me. What is this? What is this? What the hell is this?!
What did I do to deserve this? I’d rather feel my body being lit on fire than this vast emptiness. I didn’t mean to hurt her.
I didn’t mean to, honest. I loved her and you fucking know it! You know damn well that I cared about her! I would never hurt her... never.
Just please. Please tell me she’s okay. Tell me that she’s not going through the same thing that I am. Whatever you tell me, please tell me she’s alive!

I can’t live on like this. Not with this feeling. This feeling of “nothingness”. Not without her. I know, it was a stupid idea. Yes! I know it was! Damnit! I told you I was sorry! I didn’t want this to fucking happen. I didn’t. I... just thought that this would make us happy.
I didn’t know. I didn’t know that this would happen. Why didn’t you tell me something? Well?! Don’t fucking ignore me! I fucking needed you when I was younger and you were never there. I need you now. Don’t leave me like this. Dying?
Dead?
Alive?
Whatever you call it. God... maybe this is for the good. Maybe I would be doing the world a favor if I were to just crawl up and die. Maybe... maybe she’d be happy.

No, no, no, no, no! You bastard! You aren’t suppose to let this happen! You’re suppose to watch over us. That’s what they fucking tell us in church... damn liars. You, you don’t love us. Not me anyhow.
Oh, god damnit. I’m sorry.... just please tell me. Is she okay? I want to hear her voice one more time. I want to feel her soft hand on my cheek... wiping away the tears. I need her... oh please... I need her.

I still can’t feel anything. Why? No! This isn’t suppose to be happening. Just please, take it all away! Make this stop! This isn’t fucking funny!
Is this how you get your sick kicks?! Some fucking God you are.
Damn you. Damn you!
Do you fucking hear me?! I said damn you!

No! Oh God, no! The light. I see the light! No, don’t do this to me! You bastard! I love her! I need her! I have to see her again! I fucking love her!

I promised to marry her and to give her everything! Everything! Is she okay? Tell me before it's too late! Please! The light is getting closer!
No! No! No!
Please! No! Tell me damnit!
Tell me before it’s too la...
---
So yea. Random (short) story I posted up on Quizilla. Crazy? Yes. Pointless? Eh... possibly. Anyhow, for those of you who don't get the ending, he "died"... or something. Use your imagination. >:D
---
5:33pm
Comments (0) | Permalink

Monday, February 25, 2008

I bite my thumbs at thee.
Shakespeare. Oh, joy.

The past weekend was one of the greatest ones that I've had in such a long time. Oddly enough most of my time was spent with my mom. Yes crazy. I know. She came up to me last Thursday and asked me if I was busy on Saturday, I told her no and she responded with an "Oh, that's good!" sorta deal. Well yea, her my younger sister and I all went out for about the entire day. We went to the mall. We even ate at some fancy- ass resteraunt. Overrall it was a disturbingly good day. With her.

Sunday... was amazing. Me and meh friend Irene pretty much dominated the day. We went to the mall again. Hear this, they built a gigantic Hollister in our fucking mall. Oh God, it's terrible. It's fucking huge and you can actually smell (yes, I said SMELL) the damn place about 3 stores away from it. Irene ended up dragging me into the place... I honestly felt so out of place. Aside from that store, I was also brutally dragged into American Eagle (which I will admit has some "okay" clothes) and Areopostle. Did I spell it right? No? I thought so. Gaah, well whatever. Her mom also made some Greek food for us. She's all Greek and stuff. Tis' awesome. Twas good.

Well I've been looking forward to a big orchestra trip. We get to go to Chicago for about 3 night. We get to run wild downtown, eat Chicago style pizza (I heard it's good), and go see the Blue Man Group. I've honestly never heard their music, so it should be interesting. We get all of this for the mere price of $400, a 10 hour (hellish) bus ride, and attending an orchestra competition. Heh, $400 is a lot. Seriously. We go in March and I haven't turned in a single cent. I'm somewhat paranoid that I may not be able to go, but luckily my teacher is all "cool" like that. So there, shouldn't, be a problem.

Anyone ever been on Quizilla? I'm sure most people at leat know what I'm talking about. Anyhow, I've been on it a lot lately and the most popular types of quizzes are the "15 Minutes in Heaven" style ones. Normally they're Naruto ones also. But anyhow, I decided to take a crack at making of them, and holy fuck!

Over 23,635 people took the quiz in the span of about 4-5 days. I mean, this wasn't good enough to get me on the "Most Popular" or "Highest Rated" list, but I'm honestly very, very proud of myself.

Hooray for my temproary boost of self- esteem!!
Comments (1) | Permalink

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

I cough on thee.
Well I'm currently stuck at home with a wretched cold. The sounds of the keyboard keys and Spongebob Squarepants on the television seems to be booming through the house. It's annoying. Of course it's annoying. Very, very annoying. Which is odd since I'm the kind of person who craves silence and the rare, rare cases of peace that sometimes occours. I mean, it's nice (and I mean NICE) being home alone with no nagging mom or her fucking boyfriend, no depressingly arrogant brother, and best of all, no little sister. I've learned to tune out shit that doesn't have any importance to me. Such as Spongebob (and his eerily gayish voice).
-x-
Anyhow, I've been trying to get ahold of my dad (for what seems like a freakish long time). Hmm... about 3 weeks if I'm not mistaken. Not surprisingly, he's once again forgotten that we exist. I'm not bothered by this anymore. Is that normal?
-x-
10:41am
Comments (0) | Permalink