Saturday, January 20, 2007

   Skipping through the house with a knife is fun...
My dad came yesterday... it was just me and my sister at home. I don't know why I was so stupid, I actually answered the door. Well eventually I would have too I guess. I was just standing inbetween the door and the house. I didn't want him to come in, but he did. He just asked me if I would let him in, and instead of risking being hit by him, I just let him in. He's such a bastard.

He hugged me.

He acts like there's nothing wrong between us or with anything. I just stood there, hands crossed the whole time. Hes saying shit like "Are you mad to see me?" and "Are you happy that I'm here?".

Pretty much the most retarded questions with the most obvious answers.

Well, there was this really long period of silence. I just stood there leaning against the wall, my sister sat in a chair, and he sat in another one. I made him stay in the dining room the whole time. He doesn't deserve to go anywhere else. He doesn't deserve to even be in the house at all. Then he started putting up another one of his award winning acts. He's sitting there saying that things will get better and that he knows I'm mad at him and that type of shit. That's when I really start getting pissed off. That bastard has made us believe that things would get better for all of these years and NOTHING has changed. Everything is getting worse damnit and that bastard knows it. He must think we're retarded or something if he thinks we actually believe all of his bull shit now. And fuck yea I'm fucking mad at him. I guess he think's that telling me that I'm mad at him will somehow change everything.

Well it won't. Nothing will fucking change and he's too stupid to get that through his fucking head. He thinks he can fill our heads with lies like he used to, but fuck no. Not anymore. He's too fucking stupid to tell my sister's and my VOICES apart! How fucking idiotic do you have to fucking be to not be able to tell your own DAUGHTER'S fucking voices apart?! Can someone please answer me that?! How fucking stupid is he? He's so... there's really isn't even a word to describe him. Everything I use doesn't even scratch the damn surface. He's in his own category of stupid. He's BEYOND stupid. He's beyond everything in my opinion.

I just hate him. Just seeing him makes me cringe and I just want to take a knife and shove it through him. Sometimes I wish he would try to hurt me so I can do that as "self-protection".
Just hearing his voice makes me twitch. Really. I'm not even kidding about that. Everything about him I hate. Every single fucking thing.

My mom and brother came home later. So they took over I guess. We had Juanitas for dinner and he actually stayed and ate with us here. I can't believe my mom actually let him. I hate when she feels bad for him... he doesn't deserve any pity from anyone or anything. I just stayed in my room after my mom and brother came. I didn't want to see or hear that bastard anymore. I thought he'd come upstairs to say bye to me, but he didn't which was good. I'd fucking cuss him out if he got the balls to wander upstairs to my room.

I just hate knowing that because of him, my life is what it is now. He doesn't try to make it better, he just tries to fill my head with his shit covered lies.

But there is nothing I can do about anything now is there? I can't wait to turn 18. I can finally leave. I'll never have to see or hear from that bastard again. But 4 years is a long way off... and wishing that it comes quicker makes it come slower.

I feel like I need to survive... at least untill I can leave. I feel like I need to prove to him that I don't need him to keep living. I want to show him that I will someday become "someone" and not continue being the pathetic, pointless waste I am now.
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