Monday, June 13, 2005

"I feel this, this tension inside of me/
Pressure is presently pushing down on me/
The first time it starts with just you and I/
Repeating myself but you don't hear me..." -Default (Sick and Tired)


I've been a little of both this weekend (sick and tired). Which led to thinking (bad) which led to anger. What is the biggest 'fuck-you' you can get from someone without them ever having to use those words? It's when the people you think you care about and who you think care about you, show you otherwise. Something that pisses me of to no end is when people have got a problem with me or are angry (or ACT lilke it), but refuse to tell me why. It's like that thing from Jr. High School, "Yeah, I'm mad at you but if you don't know why, I'm certainly not going to tell you!" So pedestrian. That the biggest pile of crap I've ever heard. I think I'm a pretty nice person, but if you've got a problem with me, I want to know it dammit! My feelings will not be hurt. I want to know how to fix it, and if it happens that there IS no way I can fix it, then I want to know that too, so that I can just back off and not bother anyone anymore. I think I've said it before but I can't take a hint, so if you want me to fuck off (even temporarily), you have to actually say it. In those very words, and mean it. If I deserve it, then say it! I can only think of ONE person in my life who is actually capable of doing that. One. My friend Jordy, who is a stand-up guy, gives solid advice and who will actually tell me to fuck off if need be. No one else. (Watch, I'll get a dozen PMs later, telling me where to go and how to get there!)

Maybe I'm just blowing things all out of proportion here, and if I am, just ignore my inane babble like you never read it in the first place. But I'm just sick and tired of being disappointed and 'brushed off' by people I care about. I'm especially tired of guys making me cry. If you don't want to talk to me, fine, but but a simple 'hey can we catch up later' or something to that effect would be appreciated. When you give me nothing to go on, it feels like I'm sitting there fucken talking with my damn self! At least when you have an all out argument with someone, you have a relative idea of where you stand with them. If someone is using me as a punching bag (figuratively, not literally) I at least feel like I'm serving some purpose. Otherwise I feel pretty useless. Useless and stupid... Hopefully this is out of my system for a little while. As long as I don't come into contact with certain people for a few days. Have a great week you guys. No worries. No worries...
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